Thursday, February 28, 2013

Who Am I To Judge?

Hello, followers...all, well, I don't know how many of you I have anymore!  It's okay.  This blog is more a therapy couch for me than anything else.  It's a public diary.  A "public diary".  Is that a type of oxymoron maybe?

A popular blog that I follow recently had a chat session on "how you perceive yourself".  The basis of the topic was, do we perceive ourselves as others do.  Do we see our traits or downfalls the same way as our loved-ones do, as strangers do? 

A young woman weighed in and, while giving her opinion, mentioned she was in the throws of a divorce.  She said she thought that her husband felt like she wasn't worth fighting for or staying with.   She knew that wasn't true but part of her felt he may be right. 

An angel immediately responded and said, " hurts my heart to hear you say that you were not worth fighting for".  But here, HERE is the BEST part of her response... "I think divorce is like separating ingredients, sometimes things that are awesome are not well paired.  Like Altoids and orange juice."

I am simply waiting for the required year to be up before my divorce will be processed and finalized.  I didn't ask for it.  I never planned for it.  I never expected it or saw it coming.  But the overwhelming feelings of "What did I do?"  "What could I have done differently?"  "Why wasn't I good enough?"  "What does SHE have that I don't?" often take over my brain. 

There are two of me - AT LEAST.  Me #1 berates me and replays these questions over and over in my head.  But Me #2 knows better.  Me #2 knows that he is the quitter, not me.  I would've seen it through - my marriage, I mean.  I would've settled.  I don't know if that would've been wise or healthy, but I would've done that because I'm not a quitter.  Me #2 struggles every day to believe I am where I'm supposed to be at this moment in time. 

But now I have this mantra to tell myself when I'm in the pits.  This crazy analogy that makes total sense.  We were ingredients that, separately are awesome, but simply cannot be paired. 

Me #2, "It wasn't your fault, Joyce."     

1 comment:

Ronalyn Wentz said...

I'm here! I am very proud of you that you are making it through this.