This And That

Have you ever had so many conversations, thoughts, things-to-do-lists in your head that you didn't know what to address first?  That's where I'm at today.  Usually, if I put pen to paper - or, more accurately, fingers to keyboard - I can work through them and get myself on some sort of track.

I've proclaimed before that I am a fortunate woman.  But a friend recently refered to my "situation" as sad, or it made her sad.  I haven't been able to get that out of my head.  Am I coming across as a sad person?  I don't think I FEEL sad...and I KNOW what sad feels like.  Recently, I've been hurt to the core of my soul.  I've been severely let down by the person I was supposed to - and did - trust more than anyone.  I watched my grandmother die a slow, mean death and then helped bury her.  I watched my mother's heart shatter, never to be the same again.  I've moved three times in the last 9 months...blah, blah, blah... Wow!  I guess that picture does seam pretty grim.  But I'll tell you this for free, people.  I'm not sad.

With the undeniable love and help from my family and dear friends, I have picked myself up by my boot straps, dusted myself off and am moving foward.  And I actually have much to look forward to.  Frequent change seems to be a big part of my little life.  I'm okay with that because I don't want to be stagnant.  I'm just glad I have a dog that doesn't get car sick!  So please, don't cry for me.  I am A-O-K!

And if you follow me on Facebook, you may have learned that I got into the Marine Corps Marathon.  I think only another avid runner can truly understand my excitement level over this one!  I know I won't be able to master this sport for years and years so I've put a select few events on my bucket list to conquer before I box up my running shoes for good.  This was at the top of that list.  I am thrilled!  I don't have a finish time in mind.  This one, I am truly going to try and just enjoy.  I hope to pay close attention to the spectators, the cheerleaders.  I hope to appreciate the service men and women with whom I'll be running.  I hope to value the time I'll spend with our veterans.  I hope to commit to memory as much of the "ride" as possible and soak in the sights of our Nation's Capital.  Now, I just wait for October.

There's another move (if plans go accordingly) in my very near future.  I'd like to say this is "it" but I've come to learn that's a foolish expectation to have!  And that's okay.  I really don't mind uprooting and trying something different.  It gives me another opportunity to meet new people, experience new surroundings, make a new friend, re-invent myself, possibly change my way of thinking.  And this is going to be one sweet location folks.  I get excited thinking about what the next twelve months have in store for me.  I know there will be bumps and heartache and tears; that's part of living and growing.  But I also know there will be thrills and laughs and hugs and memories made that will otherwise not happen if what's happened in this LAST year didn't happen!  Still with me?

And I became a Great Aunt a few weeks ago!  I can't begin to explain to you what this precious little girl means to me.  She represents a breath of fresh air in the lives of my family.  You know the death cloud has been hanging over us for 2 years+.  To see the pinkness in this baby's cheeks, to smell her sweet little body, to feel her warmth when I hug her is to fill my heart with unconditional love.  I will tell you that it took my family and me a LONG time to get to the point of acceptance with this angel -  shame on us.  But we arrived and she is loved and is secure.  I plan on making her my protege.  I plan on helping her make her mother nuts.  I've accepted the responsibility and I'm up for the challenge.  I will be certain that I am her favorite.  I call her Baby Carl.  It's our "thing".  Her name is Raelyn (Rae is the middle name of her grandmother, Lynn is my middle name.  Cool, huh?).  You have no idea what it means to me that I have meant THAT much to my neice that she would honor me in such a way.  Fortunate me, huh?

I'm heading out again tomorrow afternoon for a weekend at the beach with my Wee One.  I'm stoked!  I wish it were tomorrow afternoon!  I have a lot to do this afternoon/tonight.  There's not enough time.

Sunday is Easter.  The only thing Easter means to me is a basket full of chocolate and a few hard boiled eggs - and a present!  We look for any reason to exchange presents!  I'm hoping for a 'bucks gift card!  Whatever Easter means to you, I hope it's a fabulous day.

I'm looking forward to the weather warming up.  I'm tired of being cold and pissy and wearing bulky coats, regardless of how cute they look!  I want to put on something sleeveless!!  And I want to ride my bike!  You know, the bike I obscessed over for months and finally bought - in DECEMBER!  Not the smartest decision I've ever made.  Considering my Tri is in 3 months, I might want to put a few more miles on the thing other than the 16 I've already riden....yeaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

Chatter.  This has been nothing but chatter.  But it's been helpful to me. 

Thanks for being there.  And hey, don't be sad for me.

It's all good....

  
    

I'm Going To Write A Letter

In a matter of a few, short days, it will be one year since I left North Carolina.  One year since, let's be honest, I was asked to leave.  Ok, he didn't come right out and ask me to leave but he knew financially I could not stay there on my own.  In our home.  Surrounded by everything I'd worked for and loved.  In the home that my father virtually rebuilt.  Surrounded by my pets and my new, dear friends.

A lot has happened in the last year.  And a lot has not. 

During the last twelve months, I have not heard from ONE member of the Mineer family.  Not my soon-to-be ex-husband, not my father-in-law or his wife, not my sister-in-law or her husband.  No one.  No.  One.

How is one a member of a family for 13 years and then one day...POOF!  I simply cannot wrap my brain around the fact that ALL of these people have just flipped a switch in their hearts and completely written me off, as if they'd never known me?  This is the part of this separation and pending divorce that I cannot accept.  I get that things end.  I get that relationships stop.  What I don't get is how these people can simply no longer acknowledge me.  They never reached out when this all started to say "I'm sorry", "is there anything we can do", "it's been nice knowing you".  Nothing. 

Because of this, I can't find closure.  I go about my day-to-day routine and really don't think about my situation much.  I have a lot to look forward to and that's where my attention is focused.  But every now and then, it creeps in.  And I get angry and frustrated and sad and pissed and, and, and.

So, I've decided to share these feelings with these people instead of keeping them to myself.  I mean, I think they have a right to know what I'm experiencing and how they've made me feel.  I think it should be brought to their attention just what shit heads they are.  Maybe no one's told them before?

So, I'm gonna' write a letter.  And seal it with a kiss.    

I Wish I Had The Nads...

My brother and I weren't raised in a home that practiced or promoted religion.  No real reason that I can come up with.  The only thing my mom ever told me was that she simply got tired of fighting with us and my father every Sunday morning while trying to get us up and going and ready for church.  She decided, I guess, "Screw it!  Let them decide and figure it out when they're adults."  As I entered into young adulthood, I got a little pissy over that decision.  Mainly because I had a lot of unanswered questions.

My (soon-to-be-ex) husband, on the other hand, was raised in a very religious home.  His grandfather was a preacher, his father a deacon, his brother in-law a preacher.  He had god in his soul (yeah, that's debateable).  After we married and moved to North Carolina, he was determined that we were going to find a "home" church and that it was going to be an intregal part of our marriage.  I succumbed.  We did and it was...for awhile.

The short version of the paragraph above is this; he backed out and I got sucked in.  I was in deep for a number of years.  But, looking back, there was always a question in my mind, always a hint of doubt.  And as my life started to crumble and death was surrounding my family and me on a regular basis and I got NO feedback, support, outreach from my church "family", I threw my hands up and said, "fuck this!".  I haven't been back since.  As a matter of fact, I now consider myself Agnostic.

If I had a set of balls, I'd reply to every Facebook post that said "thank god", "what a blessing", "my prayers have been answered", "please pray for my....", " I am so blessed".  Because no...all of what's going on in your life, FB friends, is of your own doing, circumstance, pure luck or your blatant hard work!!

I'm not "bitter" because of the twists and turns my own life has taken.  I'm not bitter.  I just don't understand how people can believe in and elevate a being or beings to such a high regard.  I've heard over and over that "god doesn't make mistakes".  REALLY?  R-E-A-L-L-Y??????  Has god been to a hospital recently?  I had a patient last week that is a 15 year old with down syndrome and has now been diagnosed with LEUKEMIA!!!  And today, I learned that an 8 year old that I knew was coming in for a procedure to assist with his CHEMO treatments because he has a BRAIN TUMOR, is ALSO BLIND.   If these aren't mistakes, I don't know what is.  And if he's supposed to be a loving and caring "father", he sucks at it. 

I think, simply, shit happens.  And we're left forced to deal with it.  I think we're where we're supposed to be when we're supposed to be there.  I think we suffer the consequences-good and bad-of the decisions we make.  I'm not convinced there's a heaven where the streets are paved with gold.  I believe in ghosts and spirits and I'm not UNconvinced in reincarnation (can we say "deja vu  - - wow, I feel like I've been here before??!!").

I'm going to continue to look long and hard for a set of balls.  And I'm sure I'll find them because, one day, someone's going to post "I am so blessed" and I'm just going to go postal on social media!

When that happens, pray for me?      

        

Who Am I To Judge?

Hello, followers...all, well, I don't know how many of you I have anymore!  It's okay.  This blog is more a therapy couch for me than anything else.  It's a public diary.  A "public diary".  Is that a type of oxymoron maybe?

A popular blog that I follow recently had a chat session on "how you perceive yourself".  The basis of the topic was, do we perceive ourselves as others do.  Do we see our traits or downfalls the same way as our loved-ones do, as strangers do? 

A young woman weighed in and, while giving her opinion, mentioned she was in the throws of a divorce.  She said she thought that her husband felt like she wasn't worth fighting for or staying with.   She knew that wasn't true but part of her felt he may be right. 

An angel immediately responded and said, "...it hurts my heart to hear you say that you were not worth fighting for".  But here, HERE is the BEST part of her response... "I think divorce is like separating ingredients, sometimes things that are awesome are not well paired.  Like Altoids and orange juice."

I am simply waiting for the required year to be up before my divorce will be processed and finalized.  I didn't ask for it.  I never planned for it.  I never expected it or saw it coming.  But the overwhelming feelings of "What did I do?"  "What could I have done differently?"  "Why wasn't I good enough?"  "What does SHE have that I don't?" often take over my brain. 

There are two of me - AT LEAST.  Me #1 berates me and replays these questions over and over in my head.  But Me #2 knows better.  Me #2 knows that he is the quitter, not me.  I would've seen it through - my marriage, I mean.  I would've settled.  I don't know if that would've been wise or healthy, but I would've done that because I'm not a quitter.  Me #2 struggles every day to believe I am where I'm supposed to be at this moment in time. 

But now I have this mantra to tell myself when I'm in the pits.  This crazy analogy that makes total sense.  We were ingredients that, separately are awesome, but simply cannot be paired. 

Me #2, "It wasn't your fault, Joyce."     

I Made A New Friend

Working out takes up the majority of my time, my life.  I prefer it that way.  I like the way breathing hard makes me feel.  I like waking up the morning after a long run with sore legs and hips.  I like the way the sweat drips from my chin.  I like the results.  And I like the like-minded people.

Recently, I attended a special edition spin class at my gym.  A 90 minute session hosted by my favorite Spin Warrior Princess, Alyssa.  If Alyssa's there, count me in!  I inadvertently arrived 40 minutes early.  No problem, I was certain to stake claim to a bike that way!  Coincidently, 2 others got the times mixed up as well so the three of us hunkered down to wait till kick off. 

While we were waiting, the three of us were chatting and passing the time.  During the chit-chat, the other lady made reference to herself - "Joyce".  I asked, "did you say your name is Joyce?"  "Yes, it is."  "I'm Joyce, too!"  "You are kidding me?  I never find a YOUNG Joyce!  I rarely meet another Joyce, let alone a young one!"  We laughed and from then on, we were Joyce Squared.  And gym friends for as long as we both attend.

In the short visit we had together, I learned this about my new friend with the same name as me.  She is almost 20 years my senior.  She's been married more than 30 years.  She referred to that marriage as a "30 year long date".  Can you imagine feeling that way about your spouse/mate after all those years?  She feels she's earned the right to say to you "I just don't care what you think.  This is me.  Take me or leave me."  She is satisfied.  She treasures that she has the ability to come to the gym, that her body is healthy enough to take on a good work out.  She loves good, CURRENT music.  She likes to wear doo-rags. 

I'm so glad I met Joyce #2.  I don't know that she will ever know that she is a great inspiration to me.  I'll have to make it a point to tell her. 

I just hope I'm hanging in a 90 minute spin class when I'm "well into my sixties".

Bitch, you're fabulous!

Do You Ever

Of late, the days are hard for me.  Some days require A LOT of effort on my part to even get my feet to touch the floor.  I am not in a happy place.  I am not where I expected to be at this time in my life; I am not where I want to be on many levels.  When I look at myself, I see someone who was/is not good enough.

Do you ever wish you were...different?  Even someone else entirely?  There have been times when I wished my nose was smaller, that my eyes were any color but brown, that my hips were narrow or non-existant, that my legs were longer and my arms shorter.  There have been times recently that I simply wished I were any one else but me.

I play this game with myself.  I pull myself down to the level of the dirt on my shoe and then I berate myself for the pitty party I just threw!  Back and forth in my head I go like a professional ping pong ball tournament.  "You are a such a loser, Joyce."  "Really, Joyce?  You're going to go there when you are surrounded by loving friends and family that have been there for you ALWAYS, to say nothing of the last 6 months?"  You get the idea.  I suppose I should be grateful for this internal fight because if I weren't fighting, I'd be losing...and I absolutely wouldn't put my feet on the floor in the mornings.

I'm planning on participating in my first Tri next summer.  In preparation, I have been shopping for a road bike.  Over the last 3 months, I have learned more than I ever thought possible about bicycles.  Tonight, I strolled into yet another specialty shop to check out their pricing.  As usual, I met an awesome athelete more than willing to share his love of the sport with me.  He told me to consider my bike on other days other than training days.  He said I need to be sure that I love it just as much for a pleasure ride as I do during a competition.  He said, you know, you want a bike ride to be an option when you get up of a morning and think "hmm, do I want to ride, run or swim today."  He said a pleasure ride shouldn't be a chore on my road bike.

Without even thinking about it, I said to this stranger, "You know what?  I am at a point in my life and my physical fitness level and my health that I actually have the good fortune to CHOOSE what type of exercise I want to do that day.  Do you know how lucky that makes me?  Not everyone has this same good fortune, either because of failing health or an ailment or pure laziness.  I'm awfully glad to be where I'm at right now." 

I walked out of that store starting yet another game of ping pong in my head.  "Did you just hear yourself in there, Joyce?  Did you pay any attention to the words you just said to that guy?  Do you believe in the platform you just shared with him?"  I needed a drink!  Thankfully, a coffee shop was within walking distance.  I approached the door at the same time as a guy in a wheelchair... 

That Karma.  She's a real bitch.

I've resolved myself to the fact that I am where I'm supposed to be - right now.  I don't like it.  I'm not happy about it.  I cry over it almost daily.  But I do believe it.  There is something I'm supposed to do, witness, share, learn, experience and when that happens, I'll move on to where I'm supposed to be AT THAT TIME. 

But in the meantime, I know I will be sad and frustrated and seem ungrateful and curse those who have hurt me and love just a little more those who have reached out to me and feel sorry for myself and feel like a complete failure and put on a happy face becasue that's what I do best...and wait.

The guy in the wheelchair will never know that he slapped me in the face.  He'll never know that, because of our very brief encounter, I will get up tomorrow morning and welcome my nose, and my hips and my frizzy hair and my unusally long arms and the situation I am in...and my two legs that work beautifully.

Do you ever?