My brother and I weren't raised in a home that practiced or promoted religion. No real reason that I can come up with. The only thing my mom ever told me was that she simply got tired of fighting with us and my father every Sunday morning while trying to get us up and going and ready for church. She decided, I guess, "Screw it! Let them decide and figure it out when they're adults." As I entered into young adulthood, I got a little pissy over that decision. Mainly because I had a lot of unanswered questions.
My (soon-to-be-ex) husband, on the other hand, was raised in a very religious home. His grandfather was a preacher, his father a deacon, his brother in-law a preacher. He had god in his soul (yeah, that's debateable). After we married and moved to North Carolina, he was determined that we were going to find a "home" church and that it was going to be an intregal part of our marriage. I succumbed. We did and it was...for awhile.
The short version of the paragraph above is this; he backed out and I got sucked in. I was in deep for a number of years. But, looking back, there was always a question in my mind, always a hint of doubt. And as my life started to crumble and death was surrounding my family and me on a regular basis and I got NO feedback, support, outreach from my church "family", I threw my hands up and said, "fuck this!". I haven't been back since. As a matter of fact, I now consider myself Agnostic.
If I had a set of balls, I'd reply to every Facebook post that said "thank god", "what a blessing", "my prayers have been answered", "please pray for my....", " I am so blessed". Because no...all of what's going on in your life, FB friends, is of your own doing, circumstance, pure luck or your blatant hard work!!
I'm not "bitter" because of the twists and turns my own life has taken. I'm not bitter. I just don't understand how people can believe in and elevate a being or beings to such a high regard. I've heard over and over that "god doesn't make mistakes". REALLY? R-E-A-L-L-Y?????? Has god been to a hospital recently? I had a patient last week that is a 15 year old with down syndrome and has now been diagnosed with LEUKEMIA!!! And today, I learned that an 8 year old that I knew was coming in for a procedure to assist with his CHEMO treatments because he has a BRAIN TUMOR, is ALSO BLIND. If these aren't mistakes, I don't know what is. And if he's supposed to be a loving and caring "father", he sucks at it.
I think, simply, shit happens. And we're left forced to deal with it. I think we're where we're supposed to be when we're supposed to be there. I think we suffer the consequences-good and bad-of the decisions we make. I'm not convinced there's a heaven where the streets are paved with gold. I believe in ghosts and spirits and I'm not UNconvinced in reincarnation (can we say "deja vu - - wow, I feel like I've been here before??!!").
I'm going to continue to look long and hard for a set of balls. And I'm sure I'll find them because, one day, someone's going to post "I am so blessed" and I'm just going to go postal on social media!
When that happens, pray for me?
Friday, March 1, 2013
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Who Am I To Judge?
Hello, followers...all, well, I don't know how many of you I have anymore! It's okay. This blog is more a therapy couch for me than anything else. It's a public diary. A "public diary". Is that a type of oxymoron maybe?
A popular blog that I follow recently had a chat session on "how you perceive yourself". The basis of the topic was, do we perceive ourselves as others do. Do we see our traits or downfalls the same way as our loved-ones do, as strangers do?
A young woman weighed in and, while giving her opinion, mentioned she was in the throws of a divorce. She said she thought that her husband felt like she wasn't worth fighting for or staying with. She knew that wasn't true but part of her felt he may be right.
An angel immediately responded and said, "...it hurts my heart to hear you say that you were not worth fighting for". But here, HERE is the BEST part of her response... "I think divorce is like separating ingredients, sometimes things that are awesome are not well paired. Like Altoids and orange juice."
I am simply waiting for the required year to be up before my divorce will be processed and finalized. I didn't ask for it. I never planned for it. I never expected it or saw it coming. But the overwhelming feelings of "What did I do?" "What could I have done differently?" "Why wasn't I good enough?" "What does SHE have that I don't?" often take over my brain.
There are two of me - AT LEAST. Me #1 berates me and replays these questions over and over in my head. But Me #2 knows better. Me #2 knows that he is the quitter, not me. I would've seen it through - my marriage, I mean. I would've settled. I don't know if that would've been wise or healthy, but I would've done that because I'm not a quitter. Me #2 struggles every day to believe I am where I'm supposed to be at this moment in time.
But now I have this mantra to tell myself when I'm in the pits. This crazy analogy that makes total sense. We were ingredients that, separately are awesome, but simply cannot be paired.
Me #2, "It wasn't your fault, Joyce."
A popular blog that I follow recently had a chat session on "how you perceive yourself". The basis of the topic was, do we perceive ourselves as others do. Do we see our traits or downfalls the same way as our loved-ones do, as strangers do?
A young woman weighed in and, while giving her opinion, mentioned she was in the throws of a divorce. She said she thought that her husband felt like she wasn't worth fighting for or staying with. She knew that wasn't true but part of her felt he may be right.
An angel immediately responded and said, "...it hurts my heart to hear you say that you were not worth fighting for". But here, HERE is the BEST part of her response... "I think divorce is like separating ingredients, sometimes things that are awesome are not well paired. Like Altoids and orange juice."
I am simply waiting for the required year to be up before my divorce will be processed and finalized. I didn't ask for it. I never planned for it. I never expected it or saw it coming. But the overwhelming feelings of "What did I do?" "What could I have done differently?" "Why wasn't I good enough?" "What does SHE have that I don't?" often take over my brain.
There are two of me - AT LEAST. Me #1 berates me and replays these questions over and over in my head. But Me #2 knows better. Me #2 knows that he is the quitter, not me. I would've seen it through - my marriage, I mean. I would've settled. I don't know if that would've been wise or healthy, but I would've done that because I'm not a quitter. Me #2 struggles every day to believe I am where I'm supposed to be at this moment in time.
But now I have this mantra to tell myself when I'm in the pits. This crazy analogy that makes total sense. We were ingredients that, separately are awesome, but simply cannot be paired.
Me #2, "It wasn't your fault, Joyce."
Friday, November 23, 2012
I Made A New Friend
Working out takes up the majority of my time, my life. I prefer it that way. I like the way breathing hard makes me feel. I like waking up the morning after a long run with sore legs and hips. I like the way the sweat drips from my chin. I like the results. And I like the like-minded people.
Recently, I attended a special edition spin class at my gym. A 90 minute session hosted by my favorite Spin Warrior Princess, Alyssa. If Alyssa's there, count me in! I inadvertently arrived 40 minutes early. No problem, I was certain to stake claim to a bike that way! Coincidently, 2 others got the times mixed up as well so the three of us hunkered down to wait till kick off.
While we were waiting, the three of us were chatting and passing the time. During the chit-chat, the other lady made reference to herself - "Joyce". I asked, "did you say your name is Joyce?" "Yes, it is." "I'm Joyce, too!" "You are kidding me? I never find a YOUNG Joyce! I rarely meet another Joyce, let alone a young one!" We laughed and from then on, we were Joyce Squared. And gym friends for as long as we both attend.
In the short visit we had together, I learned this about my new friend with the same name as me. She is almost 20 years my senior. She's been married more than 30 years. She referred to that marriage as a "30 year long date". Can you imagine feeling that way about your spouse/mate after all those years? She feels she's earned the right to say to you "I just don't care what you think. This is me. Take me or leave me." She is satisfied. She treasures that she has the ability to come to the gym, that her body is healthy enough to take on a good work out. She loves good, CURRENT music. She likes to wear doo-rags.
I'm so glad I met Joyce #2. I don't know that she will ever know that she is a great inspiration to me. I'll have to make it a point to tell her.
I just hope I'm hanging in a 90 minute spin class when I'm "well into my sixties".
Bitch, you're fabulous!
Recently, I attended a special edition spin class at my gym. A 90 minute session hosted by my favorite Spin Warrior Princess, Alyssa. If Alyssa's there, count me in! I inadvertently arrived 40 minutes early. No problem, I was certain to stake claim to a bike that way! Coincidently, 2 others got the times mixed up as well so the three of us hunkered down to wait till kick off.
While we were waiting, the three of us were chatting and passing the time. During the chit-chat, the other lady made reference to herself - "Joyce". I asked, "did you say your name is Joyce?" "Yes, it is." "I'm Joyce, too!" "You are kidding me? I never find a YOUNG Joyce! I rarely meet another Joyce, let alone a young one!" We laughed and from then on, we were Joyce Squared. And gym friends for as long as we both attend.
In the short visit we had together, I learned this about my new friend with the same name as me. She is almost 20 years my senior. She's been married more than 30 years. She referred to that marriage as a "30 year long date". Can you imagine feeling that way about your spouse/mate after all those years? She feels she's earned the right to say to you "I just don't care what you think. This is me. Take me or leave me." She is satisfied. She treasures that she has the ability to come to the gym, that her body is healthy enough to take on a good work out. She loves good, CURRENT music. She likes to wear doo-rags.
I'm so glad I met Joyce #2. I don't know that she will ever know that she is a great inspiration to me. I'll have to make it a point to tell her.
I just hope I'm hanging in a 90 minute spin class when I'm "well into my sixties".
Bitch, you're fabulous!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Do You Ever
Of late, the days are hard for me. Some days require A LOT of effort on my part to even get my feet to touch the floor. I am not in a happy place. I am not where I expected to be at this time in my life; I am not where I want to be on many levels. When I look at myself, I see someone who was/is not good enough.
Do you ever wish you were...different? Even someone else entirely? There have been times when I wished my nose was smaller, that my eyes were any color but brown, that my hips were narrow or non-existant, that my legs were longer and my arms shorter. There have been times recently that I simply wished I were any one else but me.
I play this game with myself. I pull myself down to the level of the dirt on my shoe and then I berate myself for the pitty party I just threw! Back and forth in my head I go like a professional ping pong ball tournament. "You are a such a loser, Joyce." "Really, Joyce? You're going to go there when you are surrounded by loving friends and family that have been there for you ALWAYS, to say nothing of the last 6 months?" You get the idea. I suppose I should be grateful for this internal fight because if I weren't fighting, I'd be losing...and I absolutely wouldn't put my feet on the floor in the mornings.
I'm planning on participating in my first Tri next summer. In preparation, I have been shopping for a road bike. Over the last 3 months, I have learned more than I ever thought possible about bicycles. Tonight, I strolled into yet another specialty shop to check out their pricing. As usual, I met an awesome athelete more than willing to share his love of the sport with me. He told me to consider my bike on other days other than training days. He said I need to be sure that I love it just as much for a pleasure ride as I do during a competition. He said, you know, you want a bike ride to be an option when you get up of a morning and think "hmm, do I want to ride, run or swim today." He said a pleasure ride shouldn't be a chore on my road bike.
Without even thinking about it, I said to this stranger, "You know what? I am at a point in my life and my physical fitness level and my health that I actually have the good fortune to CHOOSE what type of exercise I want to do that day. Do you know how lucky that makes me? Not everyone has this same good fortune, either because of failing health or an ailment or pure laziness. I'm awfully glad to be where I'm at right now."
I walked out of that store starting yet another game of ping pong in my head. "Did you just hear yourself in there, Joyce? Did you pay any attention to the words you just said to that guy? Do you believe in the platform you just shared with him?" I needed a drink! Thankfully, a coffee shop was within walking distance. I approached the door at the same time as a guy in a wheelchair...
That Karma. She's a real bitch.
I've resolved myself to the fact that I am where I'm supposed to be - right now. I don't like it. I'm not happy about it. I cry over it almost daily. But I do believe it. There is something I'm supposed to do, witness, share, learn, experience and when that happens, I'll move on to where I'm supposed to be AT THAT TIME.
But in the meantime, I know I will be sad and frustrated and seem ungrateful and curse those who have hurt me and love just a little more those who have reached out to me and feel sorry for myself and feel like a complete failure and put on a happy face becasue that's what I do best...and wait.
The guy in the wheelchair will never know that he slapped me in the face. He'll never know that, because of our very brief encounter, I will get up tomorrow morning and welcome my nose, and my hips and my frizzy hair and my unusally long arms and the situation I am in...and my two legs that work beautifully.
Do you ever?
Do you ever wish you were...different? Even someone else entirely? There have been times when I wished my nose was smaller, that my eyes were any color but brown, that my hips were narrow or non-existant, that my legs were longer and my arms shorter. There have been times recently that I simply wished I were any one else but me.
I play this game with myself. I pull myself down to the level of the dirt on my shoe and then I berate myself for the pitty party I just threw! Back and forth in my head I go like a professional ping pong ball tournament. "You are a such a loser, Joyce." "Really, Joyce? You're going to go there when you are surrounded by loving friends and family that have been there for you ALWAYS, to say nothing of the last 6 months?" You get the idea. I suppose I should be grateful for this internal fight because if I weren't fighting, I'd be losing...and I absolutely wouldn't put my feet on the floor in the mornings.
I'm planning on participating in my first Tri next summer. In preparation, I have been shopping for a road bike. Over the last 3 months, I have learned more than I ever thought possible about bicycles. Tonight, I strolled into yet another specialty shop to check out their pricing. As usual, I met an awesome athelete more than willing to share his love of the sport with me. He told me to consider my bike on other days other than training days. He said I need to be sure that I love it just as much for a pleasure ride as I do during a competition. He said, you know, you want a bike ride to be an option when you get up of a morning and think "hmm, do I want to ride, run or swim today." He said a pleasure ride shouldn't be a chore on my road bike.
Without even thinking about it, I said to this stranger, "You know what? I am at a point in my life and my physical fitness level and my health that I actually have the good fortune to CHOOSE what type of exercise I want to do that day. Do you know how lucky that makes me? Not everyone has this same good fortune, either because of failing health or an ailment or pure laziness. I'm awfully glad to be where I'm at right now."
I walked out of that store starting yet another game of ping pong in my head. "Did you just hear yourself in there, Joyce? Did you pay any attention to the words you just said to that guy? Do you believe in the platform you just shared with him?" I needed a drink! Thankfully, a coffee shop was within walking distance. I approached the door at the same time as a guy in a wheelchair...
That Karma. She's a real bitch.
I've resolved myself to the fact that I am where I'm supposed to be - right now. I don't like it. I'm not happy about it. I cry over it almost daily. But I do believe it. There is something I'm supposed to do, witness, share, learn, experience and when that happens, I'll move on to where I'm supposed to be AT THAT TIME.
But in the meantime, I know I will be sad and frustrated and seem ungrateful and curse those who have hurt me and love just a little more those who have reached out to me and feel sorry for myself and feel like a complete failure and put on a happy face becasue that's what I do best...and wait.
The guy in the wheelchair will never know that he slapped me in the face. He'll never know that, because of our very brief encounter, I will get up tomorrow morning and welcome my nose, and my hips and my frizzy hair and my unusally long arms and the situation I am in...and my two legs that work beautifully.
Do you ever?
Thursday, October 25, 2012
It's What I Get
To my 7 loyal followers... Are you there? I love you.
This is really just a test post. A post to see if I still know how to operate this thing! I'm not convinced that I do. Blogger has obviously been busy while I've been experience life as I don't even recognize my own online diary! Now is not the time for me to be poking around here; there's work to be done. But now that I know I can still access my private little book, I'll be back! I'll be back with bells on. With stories that will make you laugh and cry and take pity upon me! No, really!
So, stay tuned followers. I have a big weekend planned! There will be pictures.
Oh, and just a little reminder. A week from tomorrow, November 2, is my birthday. I like everything!
Hang in there with me, okay? I will not disappoint!
Love, hugs, Namaste -
J
This is really just a test post. A post to see if I still know how to operate this thing! I'm not convinced that I do. Blogger has obviously been busy while I've been experience life as I don't even recognize my own online diary! Now is not the time for me to be poking around here; there's work to be done. But now that I know I can still access my private little book, I'll be back! I'll be back with bells on. With stories that will make you laugh and cry and take pity upon me! No, really!
So, stay tuned followers. I have a big weekend planned! There will be pictures.
Oh, and just a little reminder. A week from tomorrow, November 2, is my birthday. I like everything!
Hang in there with me, okay? I will not disappoint!
Love, hugs, Namaste -
J
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
It's Just A Number
...And no, I'm not talking about the number on the scale.
I take care of myself. If I am nothing else, I am determined to be as healthy and physically fit as I can be. I have a varied, weekly workout regime. I take group fitness classes, group weight training classes, I take spin classes, I take yoga and Pilate's classes and I run.
On most any given Tuesday or Thursday night you can find me in a weight sculpting class. And usually, there are two particular ladies in the group with me. I recently learned that these awesome women are in their sixties. Over 60. Not 46. Not 23. Not 34. Over 60.
As I was tossing and turning through another bout of insomnia this morning at 4:00, I started thinking about these ladies and their respective ages. I was thinking, is our age really just a number? I think it is because I think if we lined up 5 60+ year olds and asked them each how they felt physically, we'd get 5 different answers. I was wondering, certainly the way we treat and respect our bodies has something to do with how we feel at our particular age? And if we treat and respect our bodies adequately, can we feel younger and healthier than our said ages? I know that our genes and DNA play a very big role in this analogy. And for those of you with poor genes and a crooked DNA line, I am so very sorry. You have an up hill battle from the start.
I am fortunate to come from good, strong stock. For my entire life, I have heard my mom say she doesn't feel her age. I know for a fact that she can't wrap her mind around the idea that she is 67. And often times, as she and my father are moving furniture, I have to remind her that she's not 40 anymore!
I don't know what I'll feel like in 20 years. But I do know that, despite my level of ability, I will be in a weight sculpting class. I will be participating in spin and yoga classes. And I will be running. I will be the woman some 45 year old is blogging about.
And I might even be rearranging the furniture in my living room.
I take care of myself. If I am nothing else, I am determined to be as healthy and physically fit as I can be. I have a varied, weekly workout regime. I take group fitness classes, group weight training classes, I take spin classes, I take yoga and Pilate's classes and I run.
On most any given Tuesday or Thursday night you can find me in a weight sculpting class. And usually, there are two particular ladies in the group with me. I recently learned that these awesome women are in their sixties. Over 60. Not 46. Not 23. Not 34. Over 60.
As I was tossing and turning through another bout of insomnia this morning at 4:00, I started thinking about these ladies and their respective ages. I was thinking, is our age really just a number? I think it is because I think if we lined up 5 60+ year olds and asked them each how they felt physically, we'd get 5 different answers. I was wondering, certainly the way we treat and respect our bodies has something to do with how we feel at our particular age? And if we treat and respect our bodies adequately, can we feel younger and healthier than our said ages? I know that our genes and DNA play a very big role in this analogy. And for those of you with poor genes and a crooked DNA line, I am so very sorry. You have an up hill battle from the start.
I am fortunate to come from good, strong stock. For my entire life, I have heard my mom say she doesn't feel her age. I know for a fact that she can't wrap her mind around the idea that she is 67. And often times, as she and my father are moving furniture, I have to remind her that she's not 40 anymore!
I don't know what I'll feel like in 20 years. But I do know that, despite my level of ability, I will be in a weight sculpting class. I will be participating in spin and yoga classes. And I will be running. I will be the woman some 45 year old is blogging about.
And I might even be rearranging the furniture in my living room.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
You Can Go Anywhere You Want, One Footstep At A Time
I like to read. I like to run. I like to read about running. I can't read and run at the same time, however. I would fall. And I avoid injury at all cost.
The more I read about running, the more I realize just how much the "sport" has in common with life in general. Think about it...
1) Don't go out too fast. It's easy to get overly excited about an event in our life, get all caught up in the hype only to miss the journey and be let down at the end when it's over. Same with running. If you go out like a hare and don't police your pace, you will face miles and miles of grim death-marching.
2) Enjoy the fellowship of other runners. In doing short, local races, many of us show up, stretch, do the race, cool down, grab a snack and some water and leave. Why not slow down a bit and enjoy the comrades who relish the sport as much as you do? Similarly, in life, why not slow down JUST A BIT? Instead of getting your latte to go, why not pull up a chair and do some people watching and really enjoy that cuppa joe? Or, how about TWO times around the block with Fido every now and then?
3) Mental toughness is a tremendous asset. I think this is stating the obvious. Many people have said to me "I could never run a marathon". I've made that same statement. But I decided it was something I wanted to attempt and learned quickly that, while it clearly takes training and time and effort, the majority of this sport is really - REALLY - mental. Likewise, think about the mental toughness we must ensue on a day-to-day basis. We have to mentally prepare ourselves for bad news. Many of us have to prepare ourselves mentally for our everyday commute into work because the traffic is so horrible. We have to talk to ourselves and prepare ourselves, mentally, before having a serious conversation with our spouse or children. Mental toughness is a tremendous asset - in running and in life.
4) Youth isn't everything. As we age, our speed fades more quickly than our endurance. Personally, I'm okay with that. I would rather run farther than faster. Many times I have wanted to turn around at mile 22 to the 28 year old now behind me and say "nanny nanny boo boo". And in life, "let's not forget that experience and shrewdness can help offset the ravages of time".
5) Dropping out can be habit-forming, but can also be smart. That wall. Those WALLS! Those points in the race where you are absolutely certain you cannot take another step. The temptation to drop out is overwhelming. The decision to call it quits shouldn't be taken lightly because once you drop out that first time, it gets easier and easier to throw in the towel. However, there are times when you must trust your body and the signals it's sending you. There's something to be said for saving yourself for another day. The key is to knowing what your goals are and why they're important to you. If you can keep that mindset during your darkest moments of racing - and life - your decision to continue will probably be the right one.
When I run, I think. I ponder. I "what if". I plan. I sing. I cry. I smile. I "zone out". I clear my mind. I inhale deeply. I listen. I contemplate. And I've come to the conclusion that these are exactly the things I do in life.
I am healthy, strong and tough. And I will go anywhere I want, one footstep at a time.
The more I read about running, the more I realize just how much the "sport" has in common with life in general. Think about it...
1) Don't go out too fast. It's easy to get overly excited about an event in our life, get all caught up in the hype only to miss the journey and be let down at the end when it's over. Same with running. If you go out like a hare and don't police your pace, you will face miles and miles of grim death-marching.
2) Enjoy the fellowship of other runners. In doing short, local races, many of us show up, stretch, do the race, cool down, grab a snack and some water and leave. Why not slow down a bit and enjoy the comrades who relish the sport as much as you do? Similarly, in life, why not slow down JUST A BIT? Instead of getting your latte to go, why not pull up a chair and do some people watching and really enjoy that cuppa joe? Or, how about TWO times around the block with Fido every now and then?
3) Mental toughness is a tremendous asset. I think this is stating the obvious. Many people have said to me "I could never run a marathon". I've made that same statement. But I decided it was something I wanted to attempt and learned quickly that, while it clearly takes training and time and effort, the majority of this sport is really - REALLY - mental. Likewise, think about the mental toughness we must ensue on a day-to-day basis. We have to mentally prepare ourselves for bad news. Many of us have to prepare ourselves mentally for our everyday commute into work because the traffic is so horrible. We have to talk to ourselves and prepare ourselves, mentally, before having a serious conversation with our spouse or children. Mental toughness is a tremendous asset - in running and in life.
4) Youth isn't everything. As we age, our speed fades more quickly than our endurance. Personally, I'm okay with that. I would rather run farther than faster. Many times I have wanted to turn around at mile 22 to the 28 year old now behind me and say "nanny nanny boo boo". And in life, "let's not forget that experience and shrewdness can help offset the ravages of time".
5) Dropping out can be habit-forming, but can also be smart. That wall. Those WALLS! Those points in the race where you are absolutely certain you cannot take another step. The temptation to drop out is overwhelming. The decision to call it quits shouldn't be taken lightly because once you drop out that first time, it gets easier and easier to throw in the towel. However, there are times when you must trust your body and the signals it's sending you. There's something to be said for saving yourself for another day. The key is to knowing what your goals are and why they're important to you. If you can keep that mindset during your darkest moments of racing - and life - your decision to continue will probably be the right one.
When I run, I think. I ponder. I "what if". I plan. I sing. I cry. I smile. I "zone out". I clear my mind. I inhale deeply. I listen. I contemplate. And I've come to the conclusion that these are exactly the things I do in life.
I am healthy, strong and tough. And I will go anywhere I want, one footstep at a time.
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