Friday, March 1, 2013

I Wish I Had The Nads...

My brother and I weren't raised in a home that practiced or promoted religion.  No real reason that I can come up with.  The only thing my mom ever told me was that she simply got tired of fighting with us and my father every Sunday morning while trying to get us up and going and ready for church.  She decided, I guess, "Screw it!  Let them decide and figure it out when they're adults."  As I entered into young adulthood, I got a little pissy over that decision.  Mainly because I had a lot of unanswered questions.

My (soon-to-be-ex) husband, on the other hand, was raised in a very religious home.  His grandfather was a preacher, his father a deacon, his brother in-law a preacher.  He had god in his soul (yeah, that's debateable).  After we married and moved to North Carolina, he was determined that we were going to find a "home" church and that it was going to be an intregal part of our marriage.  I succumbed.  We did and it was...for awhile.

The short version of the paragraph above is this; he backed out and I got sucked in.  I was in deep for a number of years.  But, looking back, there was always a question in my mind, always a hint of doubt.  And as my life started to crumble and death was surrounding my family and me on a regular basis and I got NO feedback, support, outreach from my church "family", I threw my hands up and said, "fuck this!".  I haven't been back since.  As a matter of fact, I now consider myself Agnostic.

If I had a set of balls, I'd reply to every Facebook post that said "thank god", "what a blessing", "my prayers have been answered", "please pray for my....", " I am so blessed".  Because no...all of what's going on in your life, FB friends, is of your own doing, circumstance, pure luck or your blatant hard work!!

I'm not "bitter" because of the twists and turns my own life has taken.  I'm not bitter.  I just don't understand how people can believe in and elevate a being or beings to such a high regard.  I've heard over and over that "god doesn't make mistakes".  REALLY?  R-E-A-L-L-Y??????  Has god been to a hospital recently?  I had a patient last week that is a 15 year old with down syndrome and has now been diagnosed with LEUKEMIA!!!  And today, I learned that an 8 year old that I knew was coming in for a procedure to assist with his CHEMO treatments because he has a BRAIN TUMOR, is ALSO BLIND.   If these aren't mistakes, I don't know what is.  And if he's supposed to be a loving and caring "father", he sucks at it. 

I think, simply, shit happens.  And we're left forced to deal with it.  I think we're where we're supposed to be when we're supposed to be there.  I think we suffer the consequences-good and bad-of the decisions we make.  I'm not convinced there's a heaven where the streets are paved with gold.  I believe in ghosts and spirits and I'm not UNconvinced in reincarnation (can we say "deja vu  - - wow, I feel like I've been here before??!!").

I'm going to continue to look long and hard for a set of balls.  And I'm sure I'll find them because, one day, someone's going to post "I am so blessed" and I'm just going to go postal on social media!

When that happens, pray for me?      



Ronalyn Wentz said...

In my opinion, you weren't at the right church then. Growing up, we always had church family around and were there for each other. Of course things are different now, with so much going on (and coming at you with social media).

As long as you believe in something (it doesn't have to be an organized religion), you will be ok.

I believe that things happen for a reason. Some things are in your control, some are not. But you are presented with that for some reason. Maybe I've been watching OWN too much!

<3 you! You can make it!

Marianne T Collins said...

Hi Joyce, dear friend! I am really sorry that you feel that way and you are entitles to your own opinions. But I have a 24 yr old child in ICU after putting in hardware to get his spine straight so he might be able to walk again. He can't walk or talk and now barely raise a finger to signal yes or no. He is being fed with a tube in his nose. He wears diapers and has to be showered and dressed and I have to brush his teeth. He had to have emergency surgery on Saturday, 2 days after the 1st surgery, to remove a screw pressing on his spine causing his good leg to be paralyzed. He has pneumonia and back on 8 liters of oxygen. He has a "christian" surgeon who ends every meeting with us with a prayer who turned his private plane around on Saturday when he saw my text while headed to New Hampshire to watch his son play lacrosse just to come back to do the emergency surgery.

I'm not sure that my God and your God and everyone elses God is the same but I do believe in a higher spiritual being. I do believe in others who send light and love and good karma and kind warm thoughts.

But most of all I believe I am privileged to be his mom even though he is moaning in pain over there because I can walk over there and touch him and feel his love and he can type out on his letterboard "I want a fucking Dr Pepper!" I thanks God for that!